I listened to a podcast a few months ago that changed the way I approach parenting. The interview was with Lenore Skenazy who wrote an article in the New York Times titled “Why I let my 9-year-old ride the subway alone.” Her writing, along with her book Free-Range Kids, started what people now refer to as the “Anti-Helicopter” parent movement.
The interview highlighted the many ways that my mothering had actually prevented my kids from developing the life skills they need to be confident, independent and resilient. I wasn’t doing anything wrong per say. I was just doing too much.
Up until that point, I had driven my kids to school every day even though we live six blocks away from their school, a simple 10-minute walk. I carried my youngest son’s backpack from the car to the lineup where I waited with other parents until the teacher came to collect our kids. I’m reluctant to admit that in that backpack was the lunch I had made, the water bottle I had filled and the library books that were due.
My son, on the other hand, had done nothing that morning except get dressed, eat breakfast and supposedly brushed his teeth.
But I wasn’t alone. On the short drive to school, I never saw kids walking or biking on their own.
This was not the norm when I was growing up. I left the house alone every morning, walked to the bus stop and rode the school bus to school. Other than half-day kindergarten, I can’t remember a time when my parents dropped me off at school, let alone walked me into the classroom.
What is referred to nowadays as “free-range” was the norm for most of us who were born before 1985.
I’ve always felt nostalgic for my independent childhood and the freedom I had. This feeling combined with Lenore Skenazy’s insights into our new normal left me curious about why I did so much for my own kids.
I wasn’t fearful of them being alone outside of the house because I don’t share in the belief that there are more “bad people” in the world today. So, if I could get myself to school safely on my own as a child, why couldn’t my own kids?
“The job of a parent is to work themselves out of a job.” – Holly Gates
It’s easy to assume that kids can’t do anything safely or successfully on their own today. Parenting experts, magazine articles and advertisers are telling parents how to plan the perfect play date, how to keep our kids safe from strangers and how to sticker-chart our way to success. Childhood anxiety seems to be more and more prevalent and while there are many factors that contribute to these complex emotions, it’s worth asking if empowerment of our kids could lead to greater confidence and resilience.
After the success of her article, Ms. Skenazy and others went on to create a non-profit organization called LetGrow. Their mission is to give parents, educators and communities the tools and confidence to step back so kids can step up. Their website is full of articles, workbooks and other free resources to support their mission of helping parents and kids.
The message of LetGrow resonated with me, so I started letting go.
I began with little things, such as making lunches but not filling the water bottles because my son was seven and capable of filling a cup with water and ice. (This seems so ludicrous to me now.)
I stopped reminding my kids about library day and if they forgot, the natural consequence was that they didn’t get to bring home a new book. Eventually we graduated to my 10-year-old and my 7-year-old walking to and from school everyday. I cancelled the Valet service my kids had grown accustomed to.
These changes brought new challenges. The seven-year-old walked “annoyingly slow” according to his older sister. The rain was wet. Rocks were found in shoes. But they weren’t lured into a white van by a creepy degenerate with candy and they didn’t get lost or hit by a car.
This small act of walking to school allowed them to learn time-management, to use discretion and caution appropriately and to have some freedom. My children now go to two different schools and get themselves there and back everyday. It’s not perfect. I still make their lunches, but we’re working on it.
We do things for our children because we love them and want them to have great lives. You wouldn’t be reading this article if you weren’t the engaged and loving parent that you are.
I believe that the most loving thing we can do for our kids today is to step back a little and trust that they have the ability to do certain things safely on their own.
Featured in the August/September issue of Island Parent Magazine.
Photo courtesy of Guy Basabose via Upslash